Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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