You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
