They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
