The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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