Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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