I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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