Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
