apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you had me at cake vodka
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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