i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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