She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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