Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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