Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
