I met the friendliest cop last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
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if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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