so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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