I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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