Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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