bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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