I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
