There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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