True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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