Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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