how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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