My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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