im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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