I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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