You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
