I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
