She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
