I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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