Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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