Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
