You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
