I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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