I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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