she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
