Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
