It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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