I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
