My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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