SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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