ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
