when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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