last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
