It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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