Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
