I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
