turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
