Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
