Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
