you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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