Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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