Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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