so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
