Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize