I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago