I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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