What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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