What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
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Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.