You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor