Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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