so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
