True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
