the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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