she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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