So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
