Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
